I have this bad habit - one I'm sure I share with many people in this country and around the world, but a bad one nonetheless. If you ignore something, it isn't real. You don't have to deal with it. If something is ailing my body, I don't go to the doctor. A diagnosis acknowledges its existence. Kind of like once you name that stray dog you took in, you know that dog is yours forever.

This time, it was taxes. It's April, and the deadline is quickly approaching. I hadn't actually started filing until this past week. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't have to acknowledge just how bad until I actually saw a number. So I lived my merry, blissful life spending what I wanted ignorant of the actual damage.

Now that I've seen the number, it's a pretty big blow, and the comfort of that ignorance is pretty much shattered. More so because I underestimated what I would owe by about $2,000. And my savings have dwindled in the last few months while business has been painfully, painfully slow. This is my first year living solely on my business income (without a rather large contracted, part-time job to cover me in the winter months). I didn't realize just how much I was going to need to save prior to the winter to really get me through. Or what my tax burden really is.

Make no mistake, this was all my responsibility and poor planning. But in some ways, this was a good learning experience for me.

All I can say is that I'm thankful I have a fiance that is able and willing to lend me the money until business picks up. Because if I didn't, I'm not sure what I would do. I really am so very lucky. I feel terrible regardless asking him to front me $4,500 - but I'm confident I'll be able to pay him back in the next few months, so it will all be fine.

I just need to start paying estimated taxes during the course of the year and saving for next winter. Really, I should have been paying estimated taxes all of 2014 - but in honesty, never really learned how to go about doing that (I'm sure it's not difficult). I do for my local taxes, but not federal.

I think the biggest learning experience is understanding just how much of my income I'm going to be able to realistically use. I need to do a better job of budgeting my income in an after-taxes capacity.

Again, these are all things that I should have been doing this year. But nothing I can do about it now but move forward a smarter, more responsible person. And next year not be silly and ignore the problem until it solidifies into a tangible emergency. I've really let things go in the financial department, and it's time to start picking up the pieces.

Sheesh. Being a grown up is hard.

***

In other (better) news, we took our trip to Nashville last week to scope out neighborhoods and get a feel for whether we'd like to move there. I'm happy to say we loved it, and it showed the positive side of things feeling more "real" by actually naming and experiencing them.

We're both definitely ready for a change, and it seems like it's got a lot to offer at a rather affordable cost of living (at least compared to some of the other cities we were considering). It's got a great night life, a few neighborhoods that we really enjoyed, full of creative people doing what they love. And, of course, the (much) warmer weather is a huge plus. So as of right now, I'm 98% certain we'll be moving there next May when our lease expires.

So yay for that!

***

And an update re: work - things are starting to pick up, and it feels good to be busy again (and, of course, having a stream of money coming in).

So that's my life right now. Time to get to work!