My boyfriend is sweet, caring, and incredibly, incredibly inconsiderate at the moment. Urgh. Let me preface this entry by saying that I haven't taken a vacation in years, I've never seen the west coast, and he blew me off to go on vacation with his friends 2 years in a row because my schedule didn't *fit* with thier plans...
That being said, we decided about 6 months ago that we were going to take a roadtrip across the country. I was super excited to go because the furthest west I've been is Indiana, and I didn't even get to really see it. We decided ultimately to make some stops along the way, to see friends in Missouri, Arizona, and San Diego. That way we could maximize seeing people we dont get to see often, and have free places to crash. Thus, we have a few more schedules to accomodate to because so and so has summer classes and so and so has this or that. Now. BF has 3 weeks break between his summer quarters. 6 months ago I told him that it didn't matter which 2 of the 3 weeks we went on vacation, as long as I know well in advance to take those weeks off work.
Well. A month prior to vacation is NOT well in advance. He tells me for the last few months that it'll "probably be the last week in june and the first week in July." So this is what I tell my boss, because he obviously wants to know when I'll be across the country, and not serving food in the restaurant. My boss is cool with these dates, given that they are not during the US open, which is taking place in Pittsburgh this year (we'll be swamped). Let me also point out that my boss gives me MUCH slack in taking days off during the summer. He let me take my dad's b-day party, the saturday after my birthday, coming up in a couple weeks, my best friend from high school's wedding, and a few days off in the beginning of august to go to florida. When he tells me I need to be there for the US Open, I sure as h3!! need to be there for the US Open.
I'm talking to my boyfriend yesterday about vacation, and he says the dates have been changed once again. We're leaving on the 16th. This is when I politely tell him that no, we will not be leaving on the 16th because my boss told me I HAD to be in town that weekend. He goes into some stupid rant about how I told him that I could go any time during his break, and I pointed out to him that I said that GIVEN THAT HE GIVES ME THE DATES WELL IN ADVANCE, which he most certainly failed to do.
Then he gets angry because his friend wanted to go, and if we couldn't go those dates he couldn't go yadda yadda yadda. Dont get me wrong, this is a mutual friend of ours, and I would love him to go, but I am not taking off days that my boss says I cant. My job means more to me than that. Then my BF suggests me flying out to meet them later in the week, and I am totally flying off the handle at this point, because it seems that my needs are being considered LAST. I dont think it would have been as bad if it were the first time something like this is happening, but for the last 2 years it's happened. We were supposed to go to Canada with a friend of his the first year we dated. I was excited as I had just turned 19, but they scheduled it for a week I had to work, and I couldn't go. Last year, he went to Missouri without me because he went during a week I had class.
It seems no matter what, the vacation is never "ours." It is always "everybody's." And whereas yes, I am being a bit selfish, I dont feel like changing my schedule around for everyone else. He told me last night that my scheduling conflict was just like everyone elses, that we are all "on a level playing field." I told him to shove the playing field where the sun doesn't shine, because as his girlfriend and the one who wanted to travel in the first place, I feel my position should be at first fiddle.
I've been making considerations for his friends for a long time, and up until this point, I've just gotten over it. I dont feel I should have to buy a plane ticket and fly out when they're driving. It's the drive out that I was looking forward to, not the drive back. I wanted it to be at least in part MY vacation, but it never seems so with him. I told him that if I had to fly out to Arizona (where the one friend of mine we were going to visit lives), that I didn't want to see him the entire 2 weeks. And if I have to fly somewhere, I'd rather just go back home for the 2 weeks and spend it with my friends and family, or travel somewhere else. If I had known he was going to pull this crap, I would have gotten a passport and gone to london or something. I have a friend and a cousin that live there.
Ugh. I just dont get how someone I love so much can be so obnoxious sometimes. Traveling is the one thing that I get really excited for. Mostly because I never get to and I always want to. I've wanted to travel abroad since highschool, and failed to do it because he thought me going to europe for a semester would break us up. I'm just so frustrated. I thought it was going to be a great vacation, and now I dont even know if I'm going. :P Oh well, I'll work something out.
I dont get it! (rant)
May 15th, 2007 at 01:59 pm
May 15th, 2007 at 02:23 pm 1179239030
Heck, maybe w/out him is just what you and your relationship is in need of.
May 15th, 2007 at 02:32 pm 1179239525
May 15th, 2007 at 02:41 pm 1179240107
May 15th, 2007 at 03:44 pm 1179243885
So my only question is this: If he keeps doing this now, before any kind of formal engagement(this includes a promise ring), what are the chances that it will continue or get worse if your relationship with him goes to a deeper level?
May 15th, 2007 at 03:45 pm 1179243909
That kind of behavior, placing outsiders before you SO, doesn't really make any sense to me. Lopsided priority.
But you're young and you're an adult. I'm sure you'll figure something out.
May 15th, 2007 at 03:55 pm 1179244535
May 15th, 2007 at 04:02 pm 1179244928
don't know if it would be a possibility for you unless you've already got a fair amount saved, but here's what i drooled over when i was still single (and, um, still drool over now!)
North America Rail Pass: 30 Consecutive Days, Over 900 Destinations
Offered jointly by Amtrak and VIA Rail Canada, the North America Rail Pass provides you with 30 consecutive travel days with unlimited rides and stopovers throughout the United States and Canada.
Peak: $999.00 — US ($899.10 with senior, student and child discount)
Off-Peak: $709.00 — US ($638.10 with senior, student and child discount)
The pass entitles you to Coach Class travel (the seats lay back for you to sleep in), but you may upgrade to Business Class or Sleeping Car accommodations for an additional charge.
May 15th, 2007 at 04:07 pm 1179245251
We have another week with his family planned for mid-July, and i'm already considering some revision of my original plans to spend the whole week with him as i sense it will be another go along with the crowd type deal and my interests in being active (kayaking, biking, walking, etc) are somewhat at odds with the family stuff planned, like days broiling on the beach. Boring!!
In a case like yours you could either press your boss to let you go away on the latest dates, or put your foot down with your BF and say I'm your girlfriend, This is important to me, etc., and see where it leads you, if you are willing to deal with possibly unfortunate consequences. But maybe you need to know this anyway.
May 15th, 2007 at 04:30 pm 1179246610
1 - I always worked through college while none of my friends did. We had planned a trip to Europe and they had no regard that I had a work schedule to work around. To some extent I think you can chalk it to little more than you are responsible, he maybe isn't as responsible, and so it goes. I have wonderful wonderful friends, but I was always peeved when plans always seemed to change last minute and I Was always the one left out because of WORK. I am sure few people your age have your work ethic and believe me this is not the last time you will come across this issue.
2 - Secondly, semester abroad - maybe I missed something, but I had wanted to go to semester abroad and dh did not support me in the least. Granted I didn't have the means to go anyway. Maybe if I had he would have sucked it up bit he REALLY did not want me to go. Nothing sinister or bad here, it would have been tough. I am not sure that is a bad thing. Just as I have never seen dh more miserable than when he had to go abroad for a month without me, for work.
3 - BEfore we were married my dh NEVER would invite me on any of his trips. He went to Hawaii twice, camping a lot without me, etc. I was always very peeved that he did not invite me along to Hawaii. We were always very independent and did our own thing, but come one, I want to be invited along to HAwaii! Anyway, it was this weird thing we would argue about a lot before marriage and just diappeared when we got married. I never really quite put my finger on it or why. But if I dumped him over these stupid things I wouldn't be very happy today - he is a wonderful man.
So anyway, sometimes men(people) are weird and insensitive. I see why in this situaion you are pissed off. I think you have EVERY right to be. I say forget it and plan your own road trip with girlfriends or something. At this point I Wouldn't even want to go. I can't say if your bf is an insensitive possessive jerk or if he just has some weird hang-ups and inconsiderations. All I know if it was me, I would just plan my own trip and have a good time without him.
You are only 20, my gut feel is he just does not like the idea of having to plan around your job, that he probably does not have the same sense of responsiblity that you do. I think it is an age thing more than anything, personally. I could have had the same fight when my dh and I Were 20, but we wouldn't have a fight like this in any way shape or form today at 30. Things change, people mature, you are young. You are probably too mature for your age - it can be a curse.
May 15th, 2007 at 04:32 pm 1179246726
you're young- get out there and do what you want to do before all the other stuff gets in the way
May 15th, 2007 at 05:05 pm 1179248749
Sounds like a very serious talk w/ BF and some serious thinking on your own are in order.
May 15th, 2007 at 06:05 pm 1179252342
May 15th, 2007 at 09:24 pm 1179264277
May 15th, 2007 at 10:41 pm 1179268866
I did tell MD that her father(my husband of almost 29 years), probably didn't act like he appreciated me either until he was about 35 or 40!!! Heck if we didn't have two babies by the time we were 24 we probably would have split up too!
So I completely agree with Monkey Mama. Your BF must have some good qualities theoretically or you wouldn't be with him right?
On the other hand, my feelings would be very hurt as they were when DH built a dog house for our neighbors for their new dog after their old dog had a terrible accident and died. Our dog never did have a dog house, (but then current dog sleeps on YD's bed). He also built a deck for my daughter last summer when I have been waiting for one for about 5 years now...
Come hell or high water DH goes hunting for a week every fall, but for many years did not take a week off with me and the girls. Yes it hurt my feelings, but he did lots of 3 day trips with me and the girls (one coming up the weekend of June 10th in San Francisco even though they are now 28, 26 and 19).
Okay what's my point, yes this is very hurtful, but to me it is not a deal breaker. Friends are really important to young men, when DH and I were first married he had a friend who came over every single night for dinner for about a year and I am not exaggerating. I just cooked more and sat the place at the table for him.
YD and Marine SIL have a friend who literally slept next to my SIL every night while they were in Iraq. They joke about "his room" at the home they just bought. So to me your problem does not sound all that unusual.
Of course you can't change your work, your boss sounds like he is very reasonable, so you can do the flying thing and at least have part of the trip or go with someone else or forget the whole thing and be really angry. Maybe after cooling off, flying to Arizona and driving back together may not sound quite so bad, especially if you drive up through Northern California, stopping to see Monkey Mama and then on up to the Redwoods, I'll take you on a tour!
May 16th, 2007 at 04:37 am 1179290229
If you want to go on a road trip, you should plan the road trip and go by yourself. If you wanted to swing a bit further northwest than Monkey Mama and homebody, I'd be happy to put you up and show you a bit of Seattle.
May 16th, 2007 at 04:37 am 1179290245
May 16th, 2007 at 07:31 am 1179300699
May 30th, 2007 at 05:28 pm 1180546117
If he is like this now, will he be like this after your married?
If I were you, I would do my own thing. If he is really interested, he would come around.
(I'll probably catch flack for this post)